Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in SaleySecSamadhi's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
3:01 am	Hanging Upside Down I've been getting this weird feeling, Like I'm strung upside by my ankles from a tree branch. It's very relaxing in a way. Not the feeling per say, but more the thought process. I could fall and break my neck, shit I'm dead. Oh well. I could get blown by the breeze and just swing here for a while. Cool I'm moving, but still upside down. More the feeling that things beyond my control are curbing what I do and where I go. Lately some hauntings have been coming and going. Odd ones too. IT seems that my addictions are on time periods and I'm becoming callous to certain old favorites. Like any disease you can build an immunity eventually. The days of Misti are far gone. Lyla has now come to pass I believe. Lili was never truly an issue and Josie kinda killed it for me. MeLissa has lost her hold and as have a deal of the others who haunted me so frequently. Now it is a select few who surface every now and again. Emily was one of them. I can't really listen to Regina Spektor without her in mind. As well I saw someone who even resembled Callan in a car slightly similar and all I could hear was growling. I even see her or talk about her and I need to hear Skinny Puppy to calm down. I suppose what bothers me there isn't her, or him but everyone else. Who all knew? Who knew and let it go by? I'm not even pissed at her really, just everyone else who just sat by and bad mouthed me while that was going on behind my back.A few even thought it was kinda cute in a way. Oh so cavalier to come down and fuck your friend over by having his girl cheat on him. I swear this whole not giving way to hostility thing is so much more of a challenge than I thought it would be. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
3:05 pm	Now That I'm At a Plateau I don't even think anything has happened other than the obvious. Callan and Jeremy went on a date... again. You know, if any other friend told me this I'd call them a fucking idiot and ream them for a good hour or two. But me? Why do I just let it go on? Somethings just need to happen, but why do I still hang on afterwards? For Christ's sake I'm like a fuckin' addict and she's a drug. I know it won't do me good, I know she's gonna fuck me up, I know for a fact I'm just waiting to be fully betrayed... but do I have the sense to move away? No. I just sit here and take it. Like I found something else to abuse me instead of doing it to myself. So she'll come to me, sobbing and swearing to and fro that she loves me, that she wants me. WELL WHY ARE YOU DATING JEREMY?! MY FRIEND AND BROTHER?! So now I'm back to this, my Chaos incarnate. good for a moment than surges of emotion, usually destructive. I am a fuckin junkie, just in a sober point. Like Sid in his final days, holding off just long enough to heal and feel the real pain than throwing myself into it more. I gotta figure shit out... things are definitely not o-fucking-kay Current Mood: Continuation of Yesterday (Comment on this)
6:31 am	Getting That Old Feeling... Kinda like no one understands. Somewhere where other people can't comprehend whats going on. I can't anymore. I'm so lost now. Like I have been in some drunken haze, in the midst of a drug addled stupor, and now I find myself sober and clean. The pain still ringing to me, but none of the numbing effects. What am I to do? Maybe it's nothing at all. Maybe I really am nothing at all. Who's to say what is and is not, or of what maintains a significance. My head feels like a brick. ...Fuck this shit... ...Grey would be the colour, if I had a heart... Current Mood: Guess... (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
9:16 pm	Confussion En Masse Ho-kay. So I have a muyo fuckin grande issue. Issue es non petit. Misti and David broke up. First reaction, "YES!" Take time to think and I come up with merde. I don't know what to do, so I am doing exactly that. Nothing. I am letting things roll. I am not actively pushing away, nor am I adamantly persuing. I simply am letting the dice drop as they may. But I am no where near anything slightly resembling sure on anything. i am hereby apologizing for any lashing out that may occur at anytime as my frustration builds and I find the nearest targets to take them out on. Domo. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
3:59 am	DrUnK iN a NeW wAy It's Odd, I'll admit, that I forgot this feeling. I feel dizzy kinda, and really down. I've been dreaming again, not in the precognitive way I'm used to, or even the reflective way. In an actually dream way, my brain seems to have found a new way to bash itself against my skull whilst my body recharges. It generally just comes down to me having these odd situations put into my head that don't, won't, and never will happen as much as I want them to. And my brain seems to be hitting the perfect spot to make me reveal truths of myself that not even I knew. I hate seeing the world through a pane of glass. I hate feeling ostracized amidst friends. I hate feeling the way i know I am. I think I am part of something until I realize how far away I am. Like I have always been. Just trotting along the outside edge of the pack, claiming allegiance, but then when the pack moves I realize how alone I am. The pack moves, I move with the pack, we are separate as much as we are together. "I'm so fucked up..." -Shinji Ikari Current Mood: Eh... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
5:24 am	The Way Out Is Through I feel odd. It's close to the full moon and the Wolf is in, Shagohad left with the falling of the snow. My step-father has served my mother divorce papers and my house is now torn apart. Fighting is commonplace even more so now than before. There is no safety anywhere. I attempt to stay out of the fights by staying in my room and listening to my music but it doesn't seem to work. I'm to be moving soon. That means I will be leaving Andover soon, much sooner than anticipated. It seems my plans are going to be kicked into overdrive, or at least forgotten. I will never be able to say the final good bye to the only person in that town that makes me want to stay there. It will be the end. I will have no way of contacting her anymore, I will be lost and left to fend for myself. I already want to just give up, What will I do when she's gone too? The last thing I cared for, the only one I've loved. I'm going to falter, my friends will pick me up. I want to feel the ground, I want to be broken down and feel low. I want my depression. I'll be down here for a bit, but soon I'll stand. I don't need anymore down time, I need to stand, but how can I now? I need help. I need to find some one to help me. I feel like the Omega Man, cheesy reference but eh. I feel like I'm alone. I'm the only one in this place, but I've been here before. I stand here yet I don't stand alone. I'm accompanied by those that don't help the way I need, but in that sense I must help myself. I will make it through. Current Mood: Down (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
6:08 am	Love Will Tear Us Apart Again Good song. Ungodly true. That emotion really gets in the way lately. I just wish I could feel it towards someone other than the one that just ignores it. I'm afraid of loosing one friendship because of shit like this. it just seems to me that the most opportune t choices are available at the most inopportune times. Cass' prospect is open, Arch actually mentioned wanting someone and I'm stuck in this annoying emo slump because I just pine over the one thing I can't have. That Silence Between Me And You There's a window I can't break, And a pain that I can't replicate. I've given up so much for you, And you'll never even know. I'll be gone soon, You'll never know I was here. I have a job to do, But I can never be the one for you. You made up your mind, I got my orders. You decide to live free in love, I lived trapped by duty. When things come to terms, and no more lies are left to be said. You'll be the one that cries, I'll be the one to have of bled. It will be somber, That grievous gray day. Though you'll never forget just how much I bleed, I'll always die with a smile on my face, Knowing I died for you. They Stopped To Get Out Of His Way, He Was On Fire Walking Down The Street It was interesting, the people walking about their normal evenings. I made a bad move, a wrong turn so to speak. Two people made up their minds, and I set the entire place on fire. If they didn't know me, they didn't need to, I was a blaze all to myself. That was so long ago. I went back to that place, not too long ago. The stone that I beat my hatred into were no longer there. The water I let flow my sorrow, dried up and not a drop. The place where I sat and left myself vulnerable for the last time, gone. That piece of my memory,nothing more than a miscolored piece of tile on the floor. No one walked past in fear, no one saw my pain. The Starbucks closed up, moved down the line somwhere. The t-shirt shop isn't there anymore. Let's just face it, I picked the wrong lifetime to quit smoking. Current Mood: Three guesses (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
10:00 pm	Blah? Is that a mood officially? I'm sitting in a Barnes and Noble's using free wi-fi... tee hee. I'm happy now. It's entertaining to see what all I can do now that I have a decent connection to an internet server. At any rate updates on my life. Blah, blah and more blah. Inspirational rut, loveless (or feeling like it right now at least), dealing with Kerran, in Columbus instead of Michigan, listening to The Cure, and alone in a cafe. You know alot about life can be summed up in that sentence. Naked in A Cafe- Who is really with anyone in a cafe? I think a cafe is a place that you go to be alone, you're surrounded by people but not at the same time. People exist... existance is acknowledged and ignored at the same time. You don't really pay attention to anyone in a cafe. But no one notices you. It's like standing in a glass box naked, surrounded by other people standing naked in glass boxes. You're exposed in every last sense of the feeling, yet so are they. After the initial shock that you are alone but surrounded, you cease to care. You're naked? So what? So is everyone else. So in that respect no one is ever together in a cafe. Conversations on Mute- I like it when people talk. Not to me, but to each other. I like watching them talk with my head phones on. Their voices drowned out by the music, but their mouths still moving, their emotions still being felt. Feeling without feeling in a way. I sit here looking at these people deep in their conversations, what are they saying? Are they talking about something trivial, or important? It's weird that way. Are they discussing their flower beds or cancer? Cell phones. Someone's cell phone rings, are they talking about something important? Did a loved one just die? Wouldn't that be a shitty place to find out a loved one died? Sitting in a cafe, fresh cup of coffee, listening to some good music and your pocket buzzes incessantly. You kill the music and pick up the phone. "Hello?" "Hi Steven, it's your mom." "Oh, hi mom what's going on?" "Steven, I have some bad news, your grandmother just died." What a fucking head trip right? Or maybe nothing that major. "Hello?" "Hi Steven!" "Oh! Hey (insert random female name)! What's going on?" "Steven you and I need to talk, hey get your hand out of my pants I'm on the phone." Holy shit you know? To think that something like that could viably happen. I'd pray nothing like that would happen to me. But watching someone else... that might be interesting. Can you imagine watching someone break down in the middle of a cafe? Just absolutely lose it? I wold probably have to applaud for such honest emotion being displayed on such a voyueristic stage. Like the final death scene in Romeo & Juliet... but not as shitty or unrealistic. Current Mood: curious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
7:16 am	Prince Void Dissonance is comfy. I kinda miss it. Just that nice little post loss lost feeling. Kinda like there is no gravity in your chest and The worlds a bleaker place. Chronic headaches from all the screaming but its worth it. Feeling better already... I guess. Current Mood: dissonant (Comment on this)
Monday, June 19th, 2006
10:14 pm	Drunken Martial Arts is the Kata of Love Very bizarre thing. They way a person moves in Drunken martial Arts is the same way I move when Im considering a lover. I waver and wobble. I make bizarre steps and change alot of my positioning. But my goal is still the same. I reel about stumbling and then deliver my direction with all my resolve and focus, throwing my self full force into the attempt. Hope I don't fall over, because I'm chambering for a shot. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
10:42 pm	Someday You Will Ache Like I Ache Just that phrase alone. I'm banking on that. Don;t take action, it's bad for your existance. Let Karma do it. But Karmas been taking way too damn long. I want that now. Or at least an understanding of that pain. Someday you WILL ache like I ache! Never forget it. I'll make you remember in time. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
2:08 am	Wow it's Been a long ass time It's been some time. Alots come and gone. I kind of feel bizarre even reading all the old entries. Just Cause I need to get this one out. Supplemantal Kiss I can feel your Kiss, I can feel your Lips, I can feel your Teeth, Breaking into my skin. Your lies seep in Like my blood seeps out. No use in cutting myself, You help get all my pain out. I can't stand it anymore, The way you love, You filthy whore. So many bad things to say to you. So many dirty things I want to do to you. One day I'll kill you as we fuck. One Day i'll make sure you no longer suck. DESTROYER DESTROYER DESTROYER Current Mood: What do you think? (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
11:30 pm	Making something happy What do I have to do, to make you want me? What do i have to do, to make you understand? What do I have to do, to make you love me? And if I can't make you love me then tell me what do I have to do? I'm lost in a world of dark echoes. i can't even see anymore, just your echoing laughter and my screaming pain. It's all in my head. Your smiling face, your laughing happiness, your white dress, and that man in that suit who stole you from me. No. He didn't steal you. He had you in the first place i was just someone you picked up on. I was your toy, your tin soldier. I listened so well and followed your every command, but I was expendable. I was tossed aside. I loved you so much and to think I still do after all this. I can't even feel happy now. I cry nightly, or at least my excuse for crying. It seems the only time i cry is when I laugh. Could be that I recognize happiness as pain now? and Pain as regularity. Am I a broken sheel and so far gone that nothing is left? I can't feel my arms, my eyes burn because I want to cry my pain but nothing comes out. my throat closes tight and I can't breathe. i get swallowed by the darkness that is sleep and wake up forgetting about all my previous pain. i think if I didn't love you and everybody else so much I'd say my good byes and give ME MY final rest. But before I go, theres one last thing I would want, A kiss from you. One last loving kiss, and I could die. You know who you are... and you'll never read this. Current Mood: suicidal (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
1:42 am	ConFuzzled as usual. God is a women on constant PMS and she hates me. With a passion. She doesn't give me a woman without a complication... such as anther woman. One usually far better than the current one. It's like giving me some sushi then dangling a steak. Do I just eat whats in front of me? or do I lunge for the steak? I don't know. Love's s damn confusing. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
3:49 am	Chris Hall Chris Hall. Lead singer of Stabbing Westward and The Dreaming. Briliant singer. Wont get back to me on myspace! grr. I hope hes not avoiding me. i'd love to talk to him. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, September 2nd, 2005
10:40 pm	I Want To Break You Down (Say what you really mean) Well. Backstabbers, liars, and the most misleading woman I ever met. Thank you.... FUCK! I can't stand it when people do that shit! Come out and tell em how you really feel! You COWARD! Face me! Don't hide your discontent. Show it! Tell me with pride you can't fucking stand me! Well!? C'MON! LET'S HEAR IT! Well? As far as I figured. You won't tell me. I'm sorry. Really. I called you a liar... You're no liar... YOU'RE A FUCKING DECIEVER! YOU POISONED MY HEAD! YOU POISONED MY LIFE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS! LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY! nEVER COME AROUND AGAIN! YOU'RE JUST A BROKEN PICTURE TO ME NOW! Current Mood: FUCKING PISSED! (Comment on this)
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
10:29 pm	Wow This Sucks Well. I got upset today over nothing really. Lyla asked if I had any single guy friends that drive. I opted Alex, sorry Ally, and asked her why. She responded with "Tell them that if they drive you here I'll introduce them to a nice single girl." My response was "who?" "Lilly" I was slightly sadend. It made me feel as if Lilly was starting to look into a relationship and that she wasn't telling me just passing me by. Not like I should get upset over anything. She doesn't and yet does want that. It's confusing for her and I'd understand if she just decided not to solve the problem and just go past it. Maybe I am that terrible. Current Mood: down (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
12:45 am	Prayers I hope i can one day have Lilly in the fashion that I desire. Not in my desire but in my heart. I wish to hold lilly and love her. Iwish. But aye tis a wish for I rush not. "Haste does not always yeild success." Current Mood: dreamy (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
11:11 pm	This Is my Poetry. Just Alot of my poetry from another site. Nothingness-Im lost and unworthy. Nothing I say matters and nothing you say helps me. You won't believe me and I can't save you. You're so beautiful but t everyone else your ugly. Ignore the shell and love the core. For once love me deply instead of scratching at the surface. Where are you? Wheres my one that will shoot straight through the core and kill me because they love me? Kiss Me Kill me-Kill me. Kiss me. It's all the same. your Loves a game. Make me feel, what you call real. I wanna be, alone with me. Just take some time... alone. I wanna break me to the core. Worse than you did you filthy fuckin whore. Just die and let me cry. Just let me go just let me go. Let me die. You make me cry but now make it complete and let me die. Writing-The writings on the wall. It's been there all along. You never noticed before, But then you turned on the light. Or Maybe you just opened your eyes. You just never good see, All I wanted you to. I took to long to make the writing right, But missed the way you were drifting away. I'll never win now. I'm lost. So lost without you. But you cant save me, No one can. You can't save what wont save itself. Coffin-A coffin, It's my favorite place. Small, Enclosed, Dark, Cold. All those emotions brought to life. Rain-The rain, It falls on everyone. The rain isn't racist, It doesn't segregate. It's just like me, It goes to the same extent to smite everyone. I just want to be able to fuck everyone day sometimes. Like the rain. Just diablorize everyones dreams. A Warm Place-The warmest place of all is just outside the deepest part of us. But once you cross that border yu ahve reached sub-zero. There is no more warmth in the center. It goes from being the most beautiful pleasure you've known to the most chilling ordeal you've ever dealt with. The image of yourself dying comes to your mind just seconds before your heart freezes and you die. You die inside of me. I brought you deep inside so I could feel you in me. But then I realized how much of a monster I am... even on the inside. Loving You-maybe I was never honest. Maybe I never said what i should have. But all hearts are made to be broken. And all truths to turn to lies. Can you feel me here now? Standing in front of you? You're here in my arms. The least you could do is try, Try to understand. No one will love you like I do. It's not an insult it's just expressing. Expressing my devotion. Till my death I shall.... Always lie. i will fill you witht he deciet that you beg. It's not my fault. you make me pour it into you. Like my love. Just a drink for you. Just the Wine that you choke on? are you enjoying the cyanide? It's more kind than me. I would love you slower and kill you faster. Promise I won't Break-I promise, To hurt you. I promise, To scar you. I promise, That all my sweet word will one day die. Not Because I want to. It's just me. I am, Your pain. I am, What you hate. I am, What you take out your hurt on. Just abuse me. Just use me. Just Kick me. Just Kill me. I will keep all the promises I make. And if not than I make one final promise, To break all the promises I've ever made. One day I will come back. One day I will be better than me now. One day I will be everything you want me to be. And One day I want you to promise me. Kiss me while you kill me. Current Mood: artistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:01 pm	A Mirror Image I am merely a reflection. I feel like I am just a alternate side of a mirror. I have meet and made friends with Tim. He is Lilly's former. All through Faire I was told we looked alike and was asked if I was his brother or twin. But alas no. I am only a wayward stranger that would like to have what he had before. Though I can't blame him. Twas not all his fault, other people got involved and I know what that is like. I just wish I could have had the chance he did. It's so bizzare to know him as friend. The one person that offers competition for Lilly is the one I resemble most. I truly am stuck on the other side of the mirror. I can pound and pound but I don't think I'll ever break out. I need someones help. I need someone to break me out of that prison. Lost in the dark. No sound no sight. Senseless and painless. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)